COLD MOON. (2016) BASED ON THE NOVEL 'COLD MOON OVER BABYLON' BY MICHAEL MCDOWELL (THE WRITER OF 'BEETLEJUICE' AND 'THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS.') DIRECTED AND CO-WRITTEN BY GRIFF FURST.
STARRING JOSH STEWART, CHRISTOPHER
LLOYD, ROBBIE KAY, FRANK WHALEY, CHESTER RUSHING, TOMMY WISEAU,
MARCUS LYLE BROWN, SARA CATHERINE BELLAMY, CANDY CLARK AND RACHELE
BROOKE SMITH.
REVIEW BY SANDRA HARRIS. ©
This is a horror story of
supernatural vengeance from beyond the grave, set in a sleepy town in
the Southern part of 'Murica, but not South America, it's the- ahem- Deep
South bit. Is it still okay to call it that? Anyway, you guys know
what I mean. It's the part where people say 'y'all have a
good day now' and the
waitresses offer to 'freshen up your cawfee, sugar.'
You know. That part.
I'll give ye my honest opinion here.
I found the fillum, as we call 'em here in Ireland, messy and
incoherent and downright confusing in places, and I wasn't remotely
scared by it, but one's man's poison is another man's meat and all
that. You lot might absolutely love it, so let's have a look at the
plot and see how things stand. And if ye do love
it, ye can tell me to go to hell. But you gotta get in line for that.
There's a queue...
Anyway,
in the drowsy little town of Babylon (cool name!), a
young girl's body is fished out of the local river, just under the
bridge where about 99.99% of the town's crimes take place. If
everyone in town just avoided the bridge completely, there'd be no
need for law enforcement in Babylon. People sure are dumb, though.
Keep riding over the old bridge despite indications that it's a
dangerous place to be caught frequenting. Tsk, stupid people.
The
girl is a local brunette beauty called Margaret Larkin. Sixteen and
pregnant (catchy name for a television show, that!)
and very, very dead,
she's mourned by her brother Jerry and her Granny Evelyn, the proud
possessor of the worst and most obvious fright-wig since Norma Bates
in Alfred Hitchcock's PSYCHO. I
couldn't take her seriously on account of her grey
streaked-and-bobbed barnet. Little things like that can put you off.
So, who
killed Margaret? Suspects, please come forward and stay facing front
while we get a good look at ye. Could it be Jerry, Margaret's
brother, a freckly individual who seems more worried about their
failing farm's crop of blueberries than about his deceased and
knocked-up sister? Did Jerry knock her up and then bump her off to
keep her condition a secret? We don't know yet, but incest isn't exactly unheard of so it's a possibility we can bear in mind.
Is
it the black guy, Walter Perry, a local teacher whom the police
suspect immediately as Margaret was known to have been 'helping
him out' with work stuff
on the very day of her murder? He's certainly acting all shifty,
although people do tend
to do that when the cops are checking them out. It's a natural human
reaction, just like running when you're being chased. There ain't no
crime in it no-how, though the cops tend to take a dim view of it, bless their little cotton socks.
Granny
Evelyn's money, of which she ironically has very little, is firmly on
the town bigwig, Nathan Redfield, as the murderer, although there
isn't one shred of evidence to support her claims. Nathan is the head
of the town bank, having recently taken over from his
wheelchair-bound old man, played by Christopher Lloyd.
Christopher
Lloyd has a great future ahead of him in horror films as the Crazy
Old Man. He recently co-starred in horror flick I AM
NOT A SERIAL KILLER, another
film which I incidentally just did not 'get.' You
either 'get' a
film or you don't, and I didn't 'get' either
I AM NOT A SERIAL KILLER or
COLD MOON, I'm
afraid. Maybe it's Christopher Lloyd I'm not too keen on, lol. He's the common denominator here, after all.
I
mostly remember Christopher Lloyd from 'Noughties American sitcom
MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE in
which he played Hal's Dad. The Dad was rich and completely unable to
talk about his feelings or Hal's in any meaningful way. He used jokes
and tickling to avoid Hal's attempts at establishing a
rapport and it drove Hal mad. It also drove Hal to desperate measures
to get his Dad to listen to him properly. That was a great episode.
Anyway,
back to Nathan Redfield. He's exactly the sort of sleazy older guy
who might well charm and seduce an innocent virginal little country girl,
knock her up and then bump her off to preserve the old and
distinguished family name.
Or just to save himself the trouble of supporting her and the sproglet for eighteen years, whatever. Diapers and baby formula and child psychologists don't come cheap, you know. And neither do the speech and language therapists, the cognitive behavioural therapists and the occupational therapists that the kids of today need in spades. Trust me, I know...!
Or just to save himself the trouble of supporting her and the sproglet for eighteen years, whatever. Diapers and baby formula and child psychologists don't come cheap, you know. And neither do the speech and language therapists, the cognitive behavioural therapists and the occupational therapists that the kids of today need in spades. Trust me, I know...!
Nathan's
also got a younger brother Ben whom we may also suspect if we wish.
We needn't discount the Redfield Dad James (Christopher
Lloyd) either, just
because he's in a wheelchair. After all, he could be shamming. Trying
to hit us with the old sham-eroo, eh? It's happened before in other
films, remember.
The local
copper's daughter and head cheerleader of the High School, Belinda
Hale, also known as Miss Pie, is surely next on the murderer's
hit-list. A glamour girl from the crown of her shiny brunette barnet
to the tips of her polished tootsie-nails, she's some sort of paid
companion-slash-nursie to Old Man Redfield while simultaneously
shagging his eldest son and she's obviously allergic to wearing
clothes.
Every time
we see her, she's clad only in a two-piece bikini or those hotpants
they used to call Daisy Dukes. Maybe they still do. In any case, dem
purdy tiddies and springy butt cheeks gon' spice up this lame-o film
for many a male viewer and maybe that's not a bad thing.
Oh,
and there's summat stirring down by the cursed bridge where
Margaret's body was found. The killer had, um, better watch out. In
fact, the killer, having committed some very unbelievable murders,
each time with a different method and while wearing a ridiculous
outfit, is seeing some
rather unlikely, um, supernatural visions
when pissed and driving his car.
Okay,
so now you know that the killer is a 'he' and
neither a 'she' nor
an 'it.' That's
not a spoiler, lol. But have his victims returned from the 'other
side' to wreak a terrible
vengeance on the man who sent them prematurely to the Underworld?
It, um,
very much appears to be the case. As I said earlier, the killer had
jolly well better watch out for himself. Those computer-generated
images can be, um, mildly unsettling, and no-one likes being mildly
unsettled, right...?
Okay,
so I didn't much care for this one. It happens every once in a while.
And no, it is certainly not my time of the month. I'm shocked that
that possibility even occurred to you. I am not ruled
by my hormones, lol. I just don't like every film
that comes my way.
AUTHOR BIOGRAPHY OF SANDRA
HARRIS.
Sandra Harris is a Dublin-based novelist, film blogger and movie reviewer. She has studied Creative Writing and Film-Making. She has published a number of e-books on the following topics: horror film reviews, multi-genre film reviews, womens' fiction, erotic fiction, erotic horror fiction and erotic poetry. Several new books are currently in the pipeline. You can browse or buy any of Sandra's books by following the link below straight to her Amazon Author Page:
http://www.amazon.com/-/e/B015GDE5RO
You
can contact Sandra at:
http://sandrafirstruleoffilmclubharris.wordpress.com
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