ROB ZOMBIE'S '31.' (2016) WRITTEN, PRODUCED AND DIRECTED BY ROB ZOMBIE. STARRING SHERI MOON ZOMBIE, MEG FOSTER, E.G. DAILY, RICHARD BRAKE AND MALCOLM MCDOWELL. REVIEW BY SANDRA HARRIS. ©
Question: 'What's the difference
between an onion and a whore...?'
Answer: 'I CRY when I cut
whores...!'
A Facebook friend remarked to me recently that he hates Rob Zombie's films because they're all 'full of white trash lowlifes beatin' on each other.' After watching THE HOUSE OF A THOUSAND CORPSES for the first time earlier this year, I could kind of see where he was coming from...!
However, I loved the director's version of John Carpenter's HALLOWEEN and, I must admit, I have equally positive feelings for '31,' his personal take on an idea that's as old as time itself... Killing as entertainment for the rich and privileged...
Let's face it, when the Ancient Roman emperors threw the Christians to the lions or made the gladiators fight each other to the death for their own personal edification, it was just an olde-timey version of what's going on in this messed-up but thoroughly entertaining horror film.
You'll be reminded when you watch it of a load of other great films who all had the same idea. Maurice Devereaux's 2001 movie SLASHERS, for example, in which a bunch of money-grubbing, fame-hungry Americans go on a Japanese gameshow where they are pursued to the death by psychotic serial killers. The survivor gets the cash. If they survive, and it's a big 'if...'
You'll probably also think of SAW, HOSTEL, BATTLE ROYALE and even THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE, and you'll almost certainly think of Murnau's horror classic NOSFERATU from 1922 because horror movie-lover Rob Zombie has sneaked a few clips of the film into his movie, haha.
Anyway, the deal is as follows. A motley crew of carnival freakshow workers, or 'carnies' as they refer to 'em in THE SIMPSONS, are travelling around in their van minding their own business when they're ambushed by a group of weirdos and taken as prisoners to an unknown destination. Oddly enough, the date is just coming up to October the thirty-first, 1976. 31, geddit...?
At this unknown destination, a maze-like building with endless rooms and tunnels and hidey-holes, the five carnies- two women and three blokes- are told by an unseen voice that they're going to be taking part in a game. No, not tiddlywinks or Monopoly or even Twister, however. This is a game called '31,' a reference, of course, to the date, but I'm sure you guys already worked that one out.
In other words, they'll try to survive being attacked by a series of murderous evil clowns who'll spend the next twelve hours attempting to kill them in the most gruesome ways imaginable. The carnies will have to use all the means at their disposal (that's none!) to escape being brutally slaughtered by the charming in-house serial killers 'Sick-Head,' 'Psycho-Head,' 'Schizo-Head,' 'Death-Head' and 'Sex-Head.' Looks like they forgot 'Bed-Head,' 'Suede-Head,' 'Eraser-Head,' 'Bone-Head' from OASIS and, my personal favourite, 'Max Head-Room...!'
It's all in aid of amusing the three rich toffs behind the scenes, namely the brilliant Malcolm A CLOCKWORK ORANGE McDowell and the two old broads all spiffingly togged out like German musician Falco in his wonderful video for his song, ROCK ME AMADEUS. Like fops, dandies or, if you prefer, Mozart, haha, complete with powdered wigs and caked-on white face paint. Well, sink me...!
I liked the demonic dwarf with the swastikas tattooed on his diminutive body and the Hitler moustache. The two Chainsaw Brothers were pretty run-of-the-mill. The lanky German-speaking cadaver in the tutu was freaky-ass but ineffective. Tommy The Rugrats Pickles all sexed-up in a cute little outfit was adorable and squeaky-sounding but seriously, a serial killer? I just didn't see it, myself...!
Now 'Doom-Head,' that's the mean, murderous sumbitch muthaf***a the carnies have really got to look out for. He's super-cool, super-tough, super-nasty and one seriously f***ing sick and twisted individual.
He's brilliantly played by a chap called Richard Brake whom I would definitely love to see more of. Yes, as an actor, sure, why not? But what I really meant is that I need to date this guy, haha. He's such a turn-on when he snarls and spits his contemptuous vitriol in his victims' petrified faces. I really dig that in a guy...!
Sheri Moon Zombie, wife of the director, is my favourite carnie by miles. She's ballsy, feisty,
slutty and has the most beautiful silhouette in her halter-top and flatteringly flared jeans. She doesn't get her tits out in this one- in fact, her flimsy halter-top is to be commended for its 'staying-on' power throughout the film- but don't worry, a couple of other chicks do so it's all good. You even see their 'down-below' bits...
By the way, I forgot to tell you what happens if someone manages to stay alive for the full twelve hours. Well, nobody knows because it's never actually happened before, haha. If it happens this time around, well, it looks like we'll all be in for a bit of a surprise. Let's hope it's not a nice one...!
'31' was one of the films featured in this year's annual Horrorthon at the Irish Film Institute. The Rob Zombie fans all loved it for its lashings and lashings of blood, nudity and extreme violence, the
killer ending (pun
intended) and
the terrific soundtrack, and the others just grumbled under their breath like prissy old biddies, haha. I wonder why they went if they knew beforehand that they weren't prepared to like it?
The more I learn about Rob Zombie, the more I realise that he does things a certain way and, if you don't dig it, then don't watch it. It's as simple as that. Myself, after a rocky start with THE HOUSE OF A THOUSAND CORPSES, I'm starting to slowly 'dig' his action. In fact, I'm going to watch '31' a few more times before I'm done with it.
The film will be out on DVD in the UK on Jan. 2nd, 2017, courtesy of VERTIGO RELEASING and PRECISION PICTURES. If you like The Zombie Man, you should move Heaven and Earth to get a hold of it. Legally, of course. If you're not a fan, buy it anyway. Broaden your horizons, so to speak. It's all money in the director's pocket, at the end of the day. It don't make
no nevermind to him if y'all don't like it, just so long as y'all buy
the damn thing...!
AUTHOR BIOGRAPHY OF SANDRA HARRIS.
Sandra Harris is a Dublin-based novelist, film blogger and movie reviewer. She has studied Creative Writing and Film-Making. She has published a number of e-books on the following topics: horror film reviews, multi-genre film reviews, womens' fiction, erotic fiction, erotic horror fiction and erotic poetry. Several new books are currently in the pipeline. You can browse or buy any of Sandra's books by following the link below straight to her Amazon Author Page:
http://www.amazon.com/-/e/B015GDE5RO
You can contact Sandra at:
http://sandrafirstruleoffilmclubharris.wordpress.com
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